The Salary Conversation Women Avoid: On Money, Worth, and Asking

I have watched brilliant women do something that puzzled me for years.

They will walk into a boardroom and fight like lions for their team’s budget. They will negotiate a supplier down to the very last kobo. They will argue, clearly and without flinching, for a junior staff member to get the raise she has earned.

And then it is their own turn. Their own salary. Their own fee. Their own worth. And something happens. The voice that was so steady a minute ago suddenly goes quiet. The number gets smaller in their mouth. The ask that would have been effortless for anyone else becomes almost impossible for themselves.

I know this because I have done it. And I suspect, if we are being honest with each other, you have too.

Why the Voice Goes Quiet

There is a particular discomfort a lot of accomplished women carry around money, and honestly, it did not come from nowhere.

Many of us were quietly raised to believe that wanting money was a little unseemly. That a good woman serves, sacrifices, and does not make a fuss about being paid. That naming your price is greedy, and pushing back for yourself is being difficult. We picked all of that up young, and then we carried it, without noticing, into rooms where it now costs us real money.

So we over-deliver and under-charge. We take the first offer because pushing back feels aggressive. We tell ourselves the work is its own reward, which is a lovely thought, and also, let us be honest, a very convenient one for everybody who benefits from paying us less.

And here is the part we do not say out loud. Sometimes the silence is not humility at all. It is fear. Fear of seeming grabby. Fear of the conversation itself. And underneath it, the quiet fear that if we actually ask for our worth, we might find out they do not think we are worth it.

Money Is a Character Thing, Not Just a Money Thing

I have come to believe that how we handle money, including how we ask for it, is a character matter, and even a spiritual one. Not just a financial one.

Because undervaluing yourself is not really humility, whatever we like to tell ourselves. Real humility is just seeing yourself accurately. No more, no less. And constantly accepting less than your work is worth is not accurate. It is a quiet little distortion of the truth, and it does not honour the gift you were actually given.

There is a stewardship angle here we tend to miss completely. Your skill, your experience, your years, all of it was entrusted to you. To keep handing it over for less than it is worth, simply because asking makes you uncomfortable, is not more godly. It is just poor stewardship of something that was placed in your hands to manage well.

And it does not stop with you. When you accept too little, you quietly lower the ceiling for the women coming up behind you, the ones who will be measured against the low bar you agreed to. Your ask, or your silence, echoes further than you think.

Asking Without Apologising For It

So how do we do this differently?

Start by separating your worth from your comfort. The conversation is going to feel awkward. That is normal, and it does not mean you are doing something wrong. The discomfort is just the tax on a muscle nobody ever taught you to use. So do it uncomfortable. The ease comes later, with practice. It really does.

Then name a real number, and stop talking. This is the hard part. We say the figure and then immediately start softening it, qualifying it, negotiating against ourselves before the other person has even opened their mouth. Do not. Say the number. Let the silence sit there. It is genuinely not your job to fill it.

And know your value before you walk in, not while you are in there. Do the honest homework on what you bring and what it is worth, so you are not trying to price yourself in real time, under pressure, with all that old conditioning whispering in your ear.

A Word From Scripture

There is a phrase Jesus used almost in passing that has stayed with me for a long time. “The labourer is worthy of his wages.” (Luke 10:7)

Worthy. Not lucky to be paid. Not greedy for asking. Worthy.

Scripture does not treat fair pay for honest work as something shameful to want. It treats it as simply right. The labourer is worthy of the wage. That is not the world’s grabbing, grasping logic. That is the plain truth about the dignity of work, and of the people who do it.

If the Word itself calls the labourer worthy, who are we to keep insisting we are worth less?

Final Thoughts

You are allowed to be paid what you are worth. You are allowed to say the number and not flinch. You are allowed to value your own work with the same conviction you hand out so freely to everybody else’s.

This is not greed. It is not unwomanly. It is not some betrayal of humility.

It is just the truth, spoken about yourself for once, in the same clear voice you use so easily for other people.

So next time it is your turn, do not let the voice go quiet.

Say the number. And let it stand.

About Author

Wola Joseph-Condotti

Wola Joseph-Condotti is the CEO, Eko Power Limited. She is a Harvard-trained lawyer and passionate advocate for faith-driven leadership, gender equity, and energy transition in Africa. She writes from the intersection of power, purpose, and personal growth.